An Old Wives Tale

"I saw a strange thing tonight," said Shakib. "Two womans are married to each other."

We were on our way home from a party where Shakib met our friends, Diane and Vicki, who are, albeit unsanctioned by the State of California, married. Diane and Vicki made history in the mid '90s as the first GLBT couple to legally co-adopt children in Los Angeles County. We explained to Shakib that same sex unions are common here and that, yes, Tony and Ethan have two Moms. Diane told Shakib that while not all people are accepting of their lifestyle, Jon and I have been great friends to them.

The subject of marriage has been a topic of much discussion in our household since Shakib's arrival, and this week it was compounded by both his introduction to a lesbian couple and his attendance at the wedding of our good friends Timothy and Terra, which he greatly enjoyed.

Shakib was astounded to learn that Jon had divorced his first wife, Ellen. I explained, that indeed, this is the same Ellen who asked if she could be his honorary "Aunt Ellen" on my Facebook page and that he will certainly meet both Ellen and Allen, her husband of 33 years, since we are all great friends. Such amicable, mutual partings are simply unheard of in his country.

In Afghanistan, only a minuscule number of marriages end in divorce. Although a man may divorce his wife simply by proclaiming talaq ("I divorce you") three times in front of witnesses for a divorce to become effective, very few men divorce their wives because of the social stigma and economic burden attached. The term zantalaq ("one who divorced his wife") is considered an insult.

In addition to public humiliation, divorced men must pay the mahr - an amount agreed upon in the marriage contract. For example, Shakib's brother would have to pay his wife's family $90,000 should he choose to divorce her -- a huge sum in Afghanistan where the average annual income for an Afghan worker is $426.

When men do divorce their wives, they tend to blame the woman for any irreconcilable differences -- often citing an illicit love affair, illegitimate pregnancy, or abuse by the woman. In truth, women are usually the victims in these situations. However, they receive harsh punishments, even when sexual behavior has been forced upon them.

A woman may seek a divorce herself on the grounds that her husband is absent for extended periods, cannot adequately provide for the family (either financially or because he is physically incapable), is impotent, or abuses her to the point where her life is at risk. However, it is exceedingly rare for Afghan women - 87% of whom are illiterate - to seek divorce. 

A woman is required to produce at least two male witnesses to testify on her behalf in a court of law. If like most Afghan women she does not possess an identity card, she also needs two male witnesses to testify as to her identity. Since family members almost always object to divorce and most Afghan women do not associate with men who are not their relatives, this is nearly impossible.

In addition, a divorced woman usually has nowhere to go. With a 40% unemployment rate, a job is nearly impossible for a single woman to come by in Afghanistan. Her family is unlikely to welcome her back. And remarriage is rarely an option. 

She must also agree to be separated from her children. Following a divorce, fathers get custody of the older children while infants remain with their mothers. When they no longer require a mother's sole care, they too join their fathers. Once children are in the father's custody, the mother is prohibited from visiting them.

The final blow? Even if she manages all of the above, her husband must still file a formal divorce application in court. Otherwise, in the eyes of the law, she is still considered his spouse. 

While, in Kabul, Afghan women are gaining ground, outside of the capital they remain a commodity to be bartered, sold and fought over. Although it is illegal, some parents still force daughters as young as 8 years old into marriages in order to settle debts or family feuds. According to UK-based NGO Womankind, 60-80% of marriages are forced, 57% of brides are under the age of 16, and 87% complain of domestic violence. "There are no reliable stats on rape, as most women will never report it. This is because women can be convicted of zina, extramarital sex, if knowledge of the rape becomes public."

Victims of early and forced marriages, rape, and domestic violence generally opt for suicide or self-immolation rather than seek a divorce, and 2300 Afghan women and girls commit suicide each year. However, a growing number of women are fighting back. 

As for the men…Want to keep your unsatisfactory wife and upgrade to a new model? No problem as long as you can afford the upkeep. Afghan men may marry multiple wives as long as they can support them financially, and polygamy is widely practiced among the wealthy. 

The law requires a husband to treat his wives equally and provide evidence of his ability to adequately support them. However, in practice, wives are often subjected to grossly disparate treatment and frequently receive insufficient financial support.

While four wives is the legal maximum, Shakib has informed us that government ministers have up to 10 wives.

Shakib says that he intends to marry only one woman. He believes that the practice of polygamy is cruel and unjust. 

He learned this from his mother, the first of his father's three wives.